Chip and Sweet Kickin Salsa Part 2: The Date

Hi guys, Chip here again. If you read the last post from me, you know that I am currently looking for love. If you haven’t read it, I suggest clicking here to get up to speed. In that last post I mentioned that I wasn’t quite sure about joining the dating app Crunchr (a swipe left/swipe right dating app for chips and dips). Well, I did join and let’s just say I am a little thrown off by the sheer volume of dips/sauces on this app. I also mentioned that I have a little bit of a crush on a particular salsa, Sweet Kickin Salsa. I was hoping to see her on Crunchr, but I just came across a lot of watery salsas with no personality.

You guys would be proud of me, I went ahead and asked Sweet Kickin Salsa out. And guess what? She said yes.

Chip and Sweet Kickin Salsa Go Out on a Date

Okay, so I know you want to know what went down. First, let me set the scene. We went to one of those end of summer pool parties, it was about 95º, but we didn’t care, no amount of sun could spoil our fun – or our ingredients. The party was full of the usual suspects.

Guac was hanging all over my buddy Hint of Lime; every time she wears extra onions and cilantro she turns into a huge flirt, it is honestly kind of gross.

French Onion Dip and Ruffles showed up but had to be taken inside due to the heat; French Onion gets a little mean and sour if he is out in the sun for too long.

Those nacho cheese tortilla chips that shall not be named were acting all hoity-toity as if they aren’t just tortilla chips with cheese dust on them. Who do those guys think they are anyway? They don’t go well in dips and leave a mess everywhere they go.

And then there is Queso, always wanting to be the center of attention and trying to schmooze the ladies.

Queso brought his cousin Beer Cheese and Beer Cheese’s girlfriend Soft Pretzel; they showed up drunk as usual.

The Party

I threw on some new rock salt and Sweet Kickin was wearing her Medium outfit, which might be my favorite label she has. It was just spicy enough for the occasion. When I saw her chunks peeking out from behind her label, I almost couldn’t control myself. I wanted to dip into her so badly, but I remembered that we are in public and she is a beautiful salsa that doesn’t just come out of her jar for just any chip.

We make the rounds saying our hellos and catching up with everybody. I wish we could just get our own bowl and have some alone time, but keeping up appearances is important. Watching her work the table was mesmerizing. Everybody loves her, I mean how could they not, she is Sweet Kickin Salsa.

Queso eventually makes his way over to us. He asks me how I have been and we joke about Hint of Lime and Guac being flirty. Then he had the audacity to make a pass at Sweet Kickin by asking her if she would like to get together later and have a three-way with taco meat. She politely declined. I was furious on the inside but kept my cool on the outside – I later went and unplugged his crockpot so he would get all cold and gross. No one treats my woman that way!

The Salsa Bowl Fiasco

We then finally had a moment to ourselves. She asks me if I am having fun. I say yes of course. She then tells me that she isn’t having fun and wants to find a bowl where we can be alone. I cannot tell you guys how elated I was! This could be it. I might finally get to dip into Sweet Kickin Salsa.

I found a nice ceramic bowl – no plastic bullshit for my girl – and she started to unscrew her lid. I was salting buckets. Seeing the threads that kept her lid on was almost too much to handle. She begins to tip herself into the bowl, a tomato or two drops in and then BAM! My ex, Pico de Gallo, shamelessly pours herself from her cheap plastic tupperware container into OUR bowl. She then has the nerve to ask me, “Hey Chip, wanna take a dip?” I am speechless. I turn to try and explain the situation to Sweet Kickin, but she is already halfway across the table with her lid half on. What a disaster.

I immediately got into my bag and left the party with a shooter of tequila in hand. Why hadn’t I thought of Pico making an appearance? Ruffles and French Onion probably told her we were there while they were in the fridge and she waited for the perfect opportunity to strike.

Sweet Kickin hasn’t spoken to me for a few days. I tried to send her a message. She saw it, but has yet to reply. Looks like it’s back to Crunchr for Ol’ Chippy.

More later,

Chip